PM On Handling Restlessness, Anxiety

In a podcast with Nikhil Kamath, the co-founder of Zerodha, the Prime Minister cited examples of how he dealt with the 2002 Gujarat elections – which he called the biggest challenge of his life – blasts in the state and the Godhra train burning incident.

“You see, to manage these things, everyone has his own ability and individual style… I hold such a position that I have to control my emotions — the natural tendency that human beings have, I will have to stay detached from all of that. I will have to rise above all that. For example, in 2002, there were elections in Gujarat. It was the biggest challenge of my life… I never watched TV and didn’t check the results,” the PM said.

“At 11:00 am or noon, I heard the beat of drums outside the chief minister’s bungalow. I had told everyone not to inform me till 12 pm. Then our operator sent me a letter saying I was leading with a two-thirds majority. So, I don’t believe that nothing affected me that day, but I had a thought to overpower that feeling. You can say that there was restlessness and anxiety inside me,” he explained. 

Talking about bomb blasts in Gujarat, the Prime Minister, who was the chief minister of the state at the time, said he visited hospitals and the police control room despite his security team asking him not to. 

“There were bombings in five places. You can imagine my situation, being the Chief Minister of the state. So, I said that I wanted to go to the police control room. But my security team refused. They said, ‘Sir, it will be unsafe for you to go’. I said, ‘Whatever happens will happen, I will go’. They were very worried. Finally, I sat in the car. I said that I would go to the hospital first. They said that there were bombings in the hospitals too. I said again, ‘Whatever happens, I will go’. You can say that there was restlessness and anxiety inside me. But my approach was that I would go along with my mission. Maybe I experience that in a different way. I feel a sense of responsibility towards it,” he said. 

Recalling the Godhra train burning, PM Modi said he became an MLA for the first time on February 24, 2002. He went to the Assembly for the first time three days later, on February 27.

“I had been an MLA for only three days. And, suddenly, I came to know about that big incident in Godhra. There was a fire on the train. I came to know, gradually, that people were dead. I was obviously very restless, I was worried. As soon as I came out of the Assembly, I said that I wanted to go to Godhra. So, I told them that we would go to Vadodara and take a helicopter from there. They said that there was no helicopter. I told them to arrange it from somewhere. I guess ONGC (Oil and Natural Gas Corporation) had one. It was a single-engine helicopter. They said they could not take a  VIP. I said, ‘I am not a VIP. I am a common man. I will go’.”

The PM said there was a big fight and he offered to give in writing that he would take responsibility for whatever happened and he would go on the single-engine helicopter. 

“And I reached Godhra. Now, with that terrible sight… numerous dead bodies… you can imagine… I am also a human being, I also felt things. But I was aware that, being in this post… I have to stay detached from my emotions, my natural tendency as a human being. I have to rise above it all. And I did whatever I could to handle myself,” he recalled.

PM Modi said that when he interacts with students during ‘Pariksha Pe Charcha’ events, he tells them to treat exams as a routine activity and act accordingly.

Worst-Case Scenarios?

Asked whether his style of thinking was that he would take worst-case scenarios into account, the Prime Minister said, “I have never thought of life or death. This is probably for people who live life in a calculated manner. Perhaps I will not be able to answer this. Because, wherever I am today, I had never planned for that… When I became a chief minister, I was surprised how I became one. So, I had never chosen this path for myself. I have got a responsibility, I am doing it. Doing it well is my objective. But I didn’t start off with this in mind. 

“That is why I don’t know how to calculate. It happens in ordinary life. Perhaps I am an exception. Because my background is such that I can never think like that. My background is such that if I had become a primary school teacher, my mother would have distributed sweets in the locality. She would have said, ‘See, my son has become a teacher’. That is why I never had such aspirations. I never thought, ‘If this doesn’t happen, then what?’ I don’t burden myself with such thoughts,” he added.